It was December of 2008 when I returned home to Cali before a small trip to Reno. I couldn’t have had a better time than if I was stuck in a porta potty with Jenna Jameson and Meghan Fox for 6 days. I am not quite sure where to start but let me just say that my BFF (best fucking friend) Sean is the culprit in this sliver of something special that I call, HEY LADY… wanna fuck a fat guy and skinny guy in a Silver Legacy hotel room?
So I arrive in Cali about 9am on a Friday. Sean picks me up and I immediately start telling him about this woman I met on the quick trip down.
Story goes like so: OMG, I met this fucked up hot chick on the bus. She was in the seat next to me and I figured she is tatted and pierced and might make for good conversation. Perhaps she was a stripper and might give me a lap dance, you never fucking know. Anyway, we start talking about her life and suddenly I realize that I need to listen intently as this story will soon be my anti-depressant when I am feeling down and suicidal. She left her husband, who makes bank in Vegas, and her 2 kids and ran away to Vancouver, Wa to be with a guy she met on the internet. When she gets there she realizes that her husband has read the “Dear John” note and he has drained their bank account. No worries, she has her new internet lover and has no problem staying in a shelter. Why a shelter and not his place? Yeah, this guy works at Jiffy Lube where he was able to get online and sleeps in his car at DOC b/c his ankle bracelet has to be attached to an address. He is recently removed from a 2 year sentence in jail in which he tells her is for robbery. Hey love has nothing to do with money or past misguided decisions right? So she is living in a shelter and he is in his car but they wanna fuck like cousins from Alabama, but where will they fuck you ask? Well in the back of his car of course, twice. Now she is heading back to Vegas and I ask her why because I am overly concerned about this broads well-being. She is fucking pregnant, that’s right, “SWEET” I almost screamed it in enjoyment and his parole officer told her why he was really in jail. He fell in love with his 11 year old step-daughter and plotted to run-away with her to Molesto, California (like Modesto… get it). So yeah I started off my trip with something special and a little skip in my step, tap if I may.
So after arriving in my old home town Sean decides that he wants to return some recyclables to the local “can center.” No big deal let’s do it. I walk out back to the side of his and Jenny’s (that’s his Mexican girlfriend) house and what I saw made me tremble in alcoholic fear. These fuckers had 2 full truck loads (75 bags) of cans, bottles and plastics with 50% of them being bud light lime. After all was clean and money in hand, we had returned a total of $110 in beverage containers. Let’s do the math on this… $110 / .05 a can = 2200 containers. Divide that by 12 in a case and you have 183 cases of beer. The average case of beer will run you $10. That is $1830 in beer. That’s 2 months of rent or a used economy car. So after I was done hugging Sean in a prideful way I let the day go on until the party time was to begin.
Take a deep breathe… jerk off to the thought of me… get sweaty and follow along.
I can’t decide where to jump into the evening at. Let me explain that the alcohol that we purchased consisted of 2 industrial size 24 packs of Corona, 2 cases of Heineken, a bottle of Absolute, a case of bud light lime (this is a must at Sean’s house) and 80 jell-o shots made earlier in the day. So needless to say we were equipped to get “Courtney Love at an award show” fucked up for the night. The party was awesome as Sean and his girlfriend Jenny (in my head I always say it in a retarded Forrest Gump voice… like jun-A) were the ultimate host. We spent a lot of the night playing beer pong in which I lost in the finals to Sean and Jun-A. The rest of the evening was spent catching up with good friends and staring at some Marine chicks big boobs. I did get to meet some cool new people. I ended up passing out on the living room floor with everyone else on the couches. As you read earlier I have a thing with waking up on couches naked. Yeah although I wasn’t naked and wrapped in some chicks afghan that her dead grandmother had given her (dick poking out the stitch and all) I did indeed wake up somewhere else. Around 11:30 my eyes open and I am on the floor in one of the kid’s room next to the bed. The kids were gone for the night and the bed was big enough for me to crash but I obviously decided in drunken wisdom that I started on the floor and will end on the floor.
I finally get up and Sean is out running around so I sit down to a nice breakfast, french toast compliments of Jun-A and we bullshit for a bit. After my lecture to Jun-A about being a gaping vagina Sean returns and we get ready to leave. We pack up and start our 3 hour drive to meet our friend Simon in the biggest little city on earth… Reno mother fucking Nevada.
You might wonder why we are headed to Reno. Are we high rollers or poker guys or needing a hooker better than the ones on craigslist? No… I mean FUCK no bitches… we’re headed to Reno for the 2008 Santa Pub Crawl you jealous man-ginas. This is where men unite to feel and stare at the breasts of the world. People local and afar come together for a night of drunken love and memory creating goodness.
So we’re on our way up and my balls are surprisingly clean this trip (1998 trip is another story). We hit snow finally on the pass and it is a wonderfulness of white and women’s restrooms. Needless to say it took some time to get there and we arrive in Reno around 4pm. Now I live in Oregon where it is colder than an angry ex who you won’t fuck one last time but the parking garage for the Silver legacy was fucking cold. We grab our shit and run to the elevators. After checking in and finding our room, Simon arrives. Now I had only met Simon once when we were all in Seattle and he was with this hot chick Monica, who had great tits. So in my book he was a good guy… in reality he is way fucking cool and was the match that started the weekend burning. We quickly chat and head up to Simon’s suite where we are greeted with a gallon of Jack Daniels, a gallon of Vodka and some Patron on ice (no I won’t gas a jet for you tonight). We had some So Co so we were set to start drinking.
I guess an hour has gone by and Sean is hungry so we go get some food. As we walk through the casino the smell of yearning vadge fills the air and boobs are busting out like convicts on work duty. The waitress got me all wet… which was a nice change… Sean ate… and then we met Marti and Steve2. Steve2 is dressed as Jack Frost and Marti (woman) is dressed as Mrs. Frost with jugs of loveliness. Now some people might have seen Marti’s rack and thought she has had kids and that they would rather have fake boobs on a woman (I’ll get to Stacey later) but surprisingly they actually looked great. She had some gravity on the big dogs but it was more like the red carpet that led to the well rounded prize at the bottom. Plus in a tight bra or in your hands you can lift them right back to what I am sure is a gorgeous fucking set. Ok enough about tits. My point is that they were cool fucking people. We all return to Simon’s suite and continue to get fucked up.
I can’t remember if it is on the way down to eat or on the way back but we stopped by 3 or 4 people’s rooms that Simon knew. Let me just say they were all hot except for billboard ass but she was cool and I respect that. We met a Lisa and a Mike and a Stacey (who had the greatest boob job ever and who I wanted to hang out with as soon as I met her) and a few other people that I was too drunk to remember. We head back to the room and meet up with Seth and Tim. They are a gay couple or just friends and well Seth is a myspace whore with 30k fucking friends. Crazy but they were cool and we all drank while they got ready. It’s been a few hours of drinking and almost 8 and Sean and I had already changed into costume. Santa hats, ribbon wrapped around us and giant bows… where else… right on our packages. It’s time to roll out and start hitting the bars.
So after a few pictures we descend down the elevators of the Silver Legacy. Our first stop is Rum Bullions in the heart of the hotel. There is a huge Captain Morgan’s statue out front and a sea of red as we enter. Simon jumps to it and orders everyone in our group a shot. I can’t remember what it is but it washed away the flavor of Patron in my mouth but didn’t interfere with the Jack and coke I still had from the room. My first view of bare boobs came shortly after. Santa (well one of a few thousand out that night) had beads and Marti quickly exposed her lovelies to us all in exchange. If you’re counting that’s tit view number 1. We take some pictures with the captain and head to the Aura (also in the Legacy). That’s where flavor flaveeeeeeee was at as well as a bachelorette party that had Simon as the host after 5 minutes in the bar. After he was done hitting on all of the women (to be fair Simon rocks and is a social fucking butterfly – but in no way a butterfly in a gay way like Tim or Seth) we bounce out to the streets.
Now I won’t be able to tell you the names of most of these bars as I didn’t pay attention but there were hotties everywhere. After some action between Steve2 and Marti on the way over we make it up into this club. The flight of stairs and industrial look is all I remember about the club itself. It wasn’t very packed yet but we had our group and with Marti being the only woman she was getting the attention. Steve2 bought everyone shots of Jager and a beer and Marti was letting everyone touch her fun bags… so this was a good stop so far. After about 20 minutes we bail and head towards the next ocean of drunkenness. Now the story that you are about to read is based on true events. The names of the people involved have not been changed as I don’t give a fuck if their privacy is protected… even mine.
We walk about 10 minutes and end up at bar with a line out the door. Well I didn’t want to wait so I walk up the exit path and Simon quickly follows. I have to piss terribly and the bouncer lets me in ahead of all the douche bags waiting in line. Simon tries the same and gets shot down but as soon as the guy turns he walks right in undetected. We were drunken ninja Santas if only for that quick moment. I rush to the bathroom and while waiting I notice that there are a lot of gay people in the bar. As I wait in the hellish line ready to piss all over my giant bow something catches my eye. Two sets of lovely lady lumps that gave me a sudden urge to want to eat Mounds or Almond Joys. I of course turn and start talking to them like the Don Jaun Della Nooch I am but soon get interrupted by Tim (the gay guy) from our group. He starts telling her how great her cum catchers are and I swear to god right there in the club this hose hound whips her giant tits right out for all viewing pleasure. Suddenly, like the SNL video “I jizzzzzzed in my pants” and watch as Tim tells her he is gay (which is obvious) and starts touching them as if they were hamsters in a bin at Petsmart. I quickly jump in with I too am gay and start fondling her bags like water balloons I was trying to pop. I guess my over-enthusiastic grip gave away that I am straight as a Nebraska highway. She blurts out, “you’re not gay” and with ninja quick reflexes I come back with “yes I am… ask Tim.” The next part is unclear to me. I am not sure if Tim just wanted me or was having my back as a friend or if he is a surgeon and knew the inevitable carpal tunnel I was going to get from my master grip would guarantee him business. Tim proclaims, “Yes he is” and leans over and plants a kiss right on my perfect lips. He probably came but even with that rainbow colored moment I never let go. Of course seconds later I was forced to and then did the pee-pee dance until I reached the single occupancy men’s room. YES I WENT ALONE for those of you calling me a fag under your breath. I finish pissing and set out to off-set the evening’s gayness and start looking for the rest of my group.
I spot Sean in a elbow to elbow crowd and work my way in to the front of the bar. Sean hands me a beer compliments of his wallet and before I can take a drink this little hot brunette named Laura (read on to discover how I later knew her name) grabs my beer and starts drinking it. I quickly grab it back and as I end my gulping drink I realize she is all up on me. She grabs the back of my neck and starts making out with me. All I can think is, “Thank you baby Jesus for washing away my gay sins.” Actually I think I “jizzzzzzed in my pants” for the whole 15 seconds of it. She took another drink before we seemed to work out of the crowd. Once out I discover that Simon and Laura have their faces stuck together as if they were Siamese twins conjoined at the lips. I look around for a few minutes and realize Marti and Steve2 are gone and by then someone has taken a crowbar and detached Laura and Simon without the need of a doctor. We bounce out and I remember Sean couldn’t get out with his beer in his hand but they let me walk though with my beer in my hand. I guess I was oozing pimpness as I had just kissed a guy and a girl and fondled some big ol’ bags all in this shitty little down town Reno bar. We’re out of the bar walking to the next dive when we see some more hot asses. They show some boobs I claim to be gay Tim kisses me again and Sean calls me a fag. Pretty much the same routine on the way over except that Tim tries a 3rd time and I am like “yeah no more.” I guess it would be like a guy sucking your dick and you would be cool at first but then be like yeah this isn’t working after a few minutes. Kind of the same thing… I did it for my deep love of breasts and when it didn’t work a second time I was done. I don’t rollerblade yo.
So we arrive at this new bar and the only people I can see is Simon, Sean and our new friend Laura. Simon bails to the back of the line to talk to some peeps he must know and Laura is on me again. I don’t mind because she is a hot and she has a vadge and again erasing my gay march down the streets of Reno. So what happens next is very pivotal to the fun that incurs from this point on. I believe Laura pulls out her I.D. and phone, hands me her phone and gives her I.D. to the bouncer. Simon is still in the back so Sean, Laura and I head to the bar. As I am waiting to get the three of our drinks poured I see Simon come in. When I turn around with 2 beers for Sean and I and a rum and coke for Laura the only person I see is Sean. He grabs his beer and we set-off looking for Simon and Laura. They are no longer in the bar. We call Simon and text Simon but no answer. So we finish our drinks and hers and head down to the arch as it is almost midnight. Now mind you we attempted to contact Simon until we passed out at 3am and never did. Simon will return the next morning.
Sean and I have now managed to lose everyone we started the night with. We head into some casino and get a beer then walk back out to the arch. As we’re waiting Sean decides to text his mom and asks her to wire him money. She calls and he slurs out words of need in an excited voice as if there was Western Union open 10 feet from us. He was drunk because he still had money and a refund on the room deposit due the next day. Somehow though he was Po-drunk (I just made that up… poor from paying to get drunk). So the streets fill and we take pictures of women kissing, fire trucks 10 feet from Sean (honking for him to move but he had to get a picture first) and what should be called the red sea. There was more red under the Reno arch than a landfill of used tampons. It was insane. After the hootin and hollerin we start heading back to the Rum Bullions in our hotel. On the way is where the fun starts. Laura’s phone rings and Sean answers it. It’s some guy named Chaze or Chase or Mase… I don’t remember but he keeps saying “put Laura on the phone” and Sean keeps repeating, “dude, she’s not here but if you see her tell her we want our friend back.” It was great. We party and drink to hot chick piano players, just Sean and I at the bar, for what was an hour or so and then head back to our room. Sean passes out and I head back down. I think I stopped by Stacey’s room looking for Simon but nobody was there. I also went by Simon’s room like twice and he was not there (a mile long hallway). I ended up in the bar down stairs talking to some “geriatric fuck” that was mad at his wife. I told him take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of her. That lasted until about 3:30 and finally I headed to my room. I’m lying on my bed and start thinking; maybe this chick has some naked pictures of herself in her phone that I can jerk off to. She didn’t so I just stared at Sean’s ass while he slept as I figured I was kinda gay for the night already (not really but I know he will read this). So the next morning Sean and I awake to Simon calling and explaining that he and Laura had taken off for the night. I quickly jump up, pull out my balls and use her phone to take a picture of them. Sean starts cracking up and does the same. I then set her background picture to my ball sac and lay back down in delight. Sean then starts laughing, I look over and he was listening to a voice mail from Laura’s pops saying time to come get the kids. The only reason this was funny to me is because I have had that call sooooo many times after a night of partying. A knock at the door around 11:00 makes me lift my head…..
Simon and Laura walk in and Simon throws down a bag of 20 tacos. I look up and Simon has changed from his elf costume and Laura is wearing the ever popular 70′s bug glasses (as if to say my makeup is worn off and I have more luggage than I would need for a year in Peru, under my eyes). She opened her phone and saw my beautiful balls staring at her and soon left. Later I found out that I had put my number in her phone as “Steve big cock” which proves that alcohol can extremely impair someone’s judgment and ability to tell the truth. I must have done that after she handed me the phone. Simon, Sean and I start bullshitting and eventually check-out and head to Simon’s room. I start drinking again and we reminisce over the previous night’s activities. Basically we give Simon shit. Soon Chesticka (Stacey) and her friend stop by. We all just hang out until it’s time to go around 1pm. We say our goodbyes and Sean and I hit the road. It takes us 5 hours to get 100 miles to Sacramento where we meet Sean’s parents for dinner. We’re all eating and his parents bring up that I am a bad influence over Sean but that they like me because I am a smart guy. I, still in ninja mode, explain quickly that it was not my idea to have Sean text his mom to wire him money at midnight. They lecture him and his escape…. His fucking blame shifting escape… is to stand up in the restaurant and point at me and say… “Yeah… well Steve kissed a guy in Reno” and then walk away leaving me there with his conservative parents just staring at me. What are friends for?
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