Chapter 4 – My life – Searching for answers

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I’m just going to come out and say it, I have had sex with a lot of women and I don’t even remember all of their names. As a matter of fact, if you are reading this and we have had sex, feel free to drop me a message reminding me. I lost my virginity 15 years ago and spent 10 of those in relationships where I stayed faithful. So over 5 years I have had sex with about 60 women. This might not be that many to you man whores (Hi, Simon) but remember I’m not that good looking or rich or skinny. I’m just a verbal rapist with more wit than Mrs. Houston (too soon?). Word! See how fucked up I am in the head that it seems like I am bragging. This is where you can start questioning my morals or decide that the fat coke bottle glasses kid has some straight up issues he never worked out. I don’t know why but every chance I got to nail a hot chick, I would. Of course I had to have my friend’s approval that she was indeed hot. I spent so many years having people look down on me that people looking up was a must. Maybe through my stories you can tell me why. I have a friend who told me she slept with a shit ton of cock in high school but not so many after. I asked her why and her response was typical in that it made her feel wanted. I guess she figured it out. It really opened my eyes because I think deep down that’s why I did it, to feel wanted at times where I felt abandoned. That and strange pussy is like working at a different amusement park every day. The weird thing is once I got into relationships from 23 to 29 I only had sex with 2 women. If I was a sex addict I couldn’t have done that; especially when the ex was pregnant and refused to put out for weeks at a time. I’ll be honest and say that since my daughter’s mom and I split, I hadn’t changed. I continued to fuck women as if they were walking vagina and continued to bang my ex on the side. Depression and hurt can be a bitch and sex, even with a woman I hardly know, can be a crutch. More so for me because of being cheated on by my ex and having huge trust and self-worth issues because of it. It wasn’t until one day that I realized I had feelings for a woman for the first time since my ex that I stopped fucking around. I’m a guy and we all have needs, I’m a realist not a story teller.

 

Another side note: That whole shallow and pedantic theory is a bunch of superficial bullshit as we all are born and then die (except Willie Nelson as he lives forever). If you had a choice between an ugly guy with a sense of humor or a hot guy with a sense of humor, you’re going to pick the hot guy, fair? I know other factors play into this but the bottom line is we all want the hot guy or hot girl. We all can’t have them but as long as we find the person that we are “hot” for then it works. What should keep us from trying though? What it really comes down to is when people start to adjust their moral meters the hotter a person is. Like I wouldn’t cheat with a big girl who looked like she did the 100 yard dash in an 80 yard room but I might if Jennifer Aniston put her hands down my pants. Get it right!

 

Before you all turn into my father and start judging me I think you all should know a few things. I have never fucked a married woman who wasn’t already split up. I have never had sex with a black or Asian woman. Although there needs to be a “yet” after the Asian. I only once technically stole a woman away from her man but we have a child together. The youngest woman I fucked was 17 and I was a young, barely pubertized, 21 year old. I also have never had sex with a woman who is more than 3 years older than me. I have kept my selections for thrusthood within a standard and I used protection almost every other time. Word again because I have tested clean!

 

 

As I purge out the details of my promiscuity and immaturity I can’t help but wonder why I turned out this way. I mean, I am not on a self-discovery or begging for god to explain to me the answers of the unknown (like If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?). The whole child development does play into this right? I have a friend who was molested as a kid and they are now gay, never even giving the opposite gender a go, because of the negative association. Were they born that way and this was a coincidence or does your environment really play that large of a role? If so, what the fuck happened to me that made me so fucked in the head? It’s a long stream of events and I want to know where it started. What lead me to think it was okay to take advantage of my parents? I know I was a kid and we all do stupid shit but why? Was it truly that I felt entitled and owed? What then made me take from others? What made me think it was okay to have sex with women as if they were irrelevant as an actual person? What made it okay to turn my back on god and tell him, sorry I am getting drunk nightly? What pushed me to drink so much? What made it okay to turn to these addictions of sex, drinking and gambling? What made it okay to hurt others by running to these outlets? Why as a father, I can sit here and honestly say that I would die for my daughter yet at times I think that she would be better off if that were the case? Remember, I am selfish and love myself way too much to do it but I still want to change, have changed and plan to explore and figure out my ill motivations. Why, seems to be a big question for me. Perhaps I should say fuck it and go out drinking until I am numb from another night without my princess. I probably will but I wish I knew what got me here to start with and even more so, how god plans to get me out.

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