When I think about the last ten years, it is these years and not my time in high school, that have really made me who I am or am not. Oddly enough it is more of my bad decision making that has made my life as fucked up as it seems at times. Don’t get me wrong though, a lot of these bad decisions include some really fun times and great experiences. When I moved to Oregon I was the typical kid still mad at his dad. I went from listening to rap to listening to rock and started getting tattoos and piercings and finding the inner me.. Suddenly, I was shedding the pathetic no-pussy getting fat kid and becoming a funny and sexy machine of lust (word). My dad told me a few years back that he missed the big-hearted nice kid I was when I left. It took me some time to realize that I was that way because I was innocent and had let the bullies of the world keep me down. Years and years of suppression and negativity hardened me and up until recently I lived with a sense of entitlement. I felt that I was owed greatness and didn’t have to be accountable for my mistakes. My father owed me for the abuse, the world owed me for the pubescent turmoil and even God owed me for not giving me the perfect life. Although I have learned to own my mistakes I still suffer daily with bitterness and struggle to not be selfish. I still do have a big heart deep down but I think I spent so much time trying to find me that I got lost. Now in my thirties I find myself looking for direction and motivation and wishing too much that somebody would truly love me. That’s the saddest part of my many years of existence.
Here goes my poor me cry baby rant
I can honestly say that nobody has ever truly loved me for me besides my best friends and my mom. My mom is one of my best friends so it is the same thing. I think my dad loves me out of nature’s requirement to do so but he has never unconditionally showed it and never was around to really get to know me, then or now. Due to the spectrum of popularity and us living on opposite ends, my sister and I never have been super close. I don’t really get hurt by it because I can appreciate that she suffered through the same dysfunctional shit I did. We are cool and she is an inspiration as she has survived through times most wouldn’t. Our family isn’t really tight. We haven’t had anybody in our family die in awhile so the proverbial realization that “life is short” hasn’t hit us. My parents started off like Romeo and Juliet, the Married with Children version, where the families hated their child’s choice in a partner. Due to this we never associated much with relatives and even now my 30+ cousins and I do not keep in touch. The shitty part of it all is that my parents ended up more like Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston in that movie, “the break-up.” You know, where they love each other still but too much shit has happened and neither one is willing to change and prove their love. This actually helped model my future relationships and “the breakup” between me and my daughter Payton’s mother. Don’t worry, she’s a fucking douche bag now and so the love I have is for the woman that used to exist. Even the person she was never truly knew me or loved me. I think she was and still is so fucked up from her own, daddy is a mean drunk and mommy is a whore issue, that she doesn’t know how to love. I don’t mean to mislead and say that no women have ever claimed to love me because I believe that I have had a few past girlfriends that were very loving and loved the idea of us. Again though, they didn’t know me well enough to love me and I can’t help but think that it was that infatuation or puppy love. So here I am in my thirties, unmarried, and right back where I was when I was 20; unsure of who I am and searching for more. Although I battle this it doesn’t consume me like it did when I was that young new Oregonian. Now I know that first and foremost I am a dad and let me confess, if I never accomplish anything and am never loved for being me by anyone else ever again, I helped create the most beautiful little shit on this earth (she looks like her mom so I sleep well at night). I only have one must in my life; to provide and be the best dad I can for her. Now this will be so much more rewarding and easier once I start loving me. Hey, they say you can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself. I don’t know who “they” are but it seems like “they” always have something to say. Maybe “they” are vagina angels that sprinkle fairy dust on you once you honor their cliches. If this is true I am still waiting for my payout for the “why buy the cow when you get the sex for free.”
I didn’t start writing this as a tool to release my issues but rather to share some of the kick ass times I have had in my life. It’s very important though that a background be established now so that when you start to question my morals later, you have an understanding. I know some people who know me are reading this and saying, “When have you given a fuck what people think?” Let’s face it though, most of us live behind masks to hide our insecurities and prevent people from thinking we’re big pussies. See, I know most of you are hiding shit, which makes my current belief that I am better than you all, completely true.
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